Watches, NHL, US Politics, Wine & Traffic Cops

Happy October! I’ve been rolling a few ideas around in the noggin lately and have decided that bullet-form is my best format. It appeases my preference to change unfinished topics and such. I’ve actually taken to jotting down random ideas on my iPhone when they come to me and when I have enough, I’ll blog. It goes against my instinct to organize my blog in any way. But we’ll give it a shot. So I think I have enough now, let’s do this.

  • Wearing a watch dates you. None of the kids wear watches anymore, they consult their mobile devices. When you see someone wearing a watch, you know: old.
  • I wear a watch. What.
  • I also have the iPhone 5, baby! I got it on day 2. I love it. There’s this one guy at the office who is super anti-Apple and brags about his Samsung Galaxy. Whatever, it’s like a tablet. Like I want all those cancer waves waving a tablet-sized radius around my head. Whatever.
  • The traffic has gotten crazy again since school’s been back in session. How I adore summer-vacation rush-hour. The cops have been crazy lately, too. You can usually expect to see them out in full force around the end of the month, trying to rack up their quotas and whatnot. But lately and unexpectedly I’ve seen them all over the place, like, mid-month, even. Last week, I was going down this road that is 30km/hr, right by a playground. I was the caboose in this caravan of 4 cars crawling down the road, and I heard this pickup vrrrrroooom past me, overtaking us in the oncoming lane, got around us and popped into the lead. This cop car was hiding in the bushes and fired up the siren and went after him. I hope Mr. Pickup was happy he gained 8 seconds. It probably cost him $300.
  • I have no rational reason for hating pickup drivers, but I just do. But my number one of people I hate are Hummer drivers. Who needs to drive a damned army vehicle. Sorry/not sorry.
  • There’s this hilarious guy who works at the wine store I frequent. I went in one time and bought a bottle, and he said, “Do you require documentation this evening?” Me: “Um…huh?” Him: (waving receipt with flourish) “Of this transaction?” Right? I love him. Then on the Friday before Canadian Thanksgiving, which is a holiday I never really “got”, being an immigrant and all, I went in and told him I was getting ready to celebrate the pilgrims. And he said, “Oh, I thought you were going to say you were going to celebrate the Pill!” To which I said, “I’m thankful for that too. I’m mentioning it in my speech.” But my favourite was a couple of days ago was when I went in and looked for this one kind of wine that I really like but don’t get often because it’s expensive. And it was sold out. So when he told me, I said, “It’s not sold out because it’s reasonable!” And he put his one hand on his hip and helicoptered his finger around and said, “You’re unreasonable!”
  • It sounds like I drink too much wine.
  • Just message me if you want to find out where this wine store is. It’s a great place to get some comedy with your Sauvignon Blanc after a long day.
  • The debate between Obama and Romney a couple of weeks ago was fun for a couple of reasons: it got me on Twitter to see the reactions, which I’ve not been checking into a lot since the NHL lockout. And I saw Romney ingratiating himself to the left and centre, aligning himself to a lot of what Obama says and does, because of course, Obama was killing him in the polls, so something was obviously working for him. And Obama “lost” the debate, losing points in the polls for days afterward. It was interesting to me to see the pundits (p.s. it makes me crazy when so many people say “pundint”. Like all the people who pronounce “realtor” “re-la-tor”. Nucular. Don’t get me started.) talk about how Romney “won” because he seemed most “Presidential.” Yes, Presidential. So did Martin Sheen. And Harrison Ford. Your point? Jeez. But then we got to see the meaningless VP debate which was awesome, because Biden came to PLAY and got to say/be all those things that Obama cannot. Ryan stood no chance. Tonight’s town hall meeting was good – Obama brought his cojones.
  • Politics in Canada is slightly different. It makes me crazy the (lack of) voter turnout we get here. You know the voter turnout in Chile? It’s ONE HUNDRED PER CENT. Why wouldn’t you vote??? In Chile under the dictatorship no one was allowed to vote or have a choice. So when democracy returned, it was like a party. Everyone wanted their voice heard. People would bring cards to play and pack a lunch for the hours-long lineups. Not so in Canada. I was talking about it once with a co-worker before a meeting, and I figured it’s because we have all the most important things sewn up, and those things won’t change with a different Prime Minister. Things like gun control, a woman’s right to choose, healthcare, gay marriage, etc. I said “It’s like no matter who’s in office, it wouldn’t matter.” He said, “Maybe I should run then.” And I said, “Yeah, that should be your platform. Vote for me!” In unison: “Because it just doesn’t matter.” TM!!
  • There was this guy who was waving a gun around in the hotel where I PARK the other night. The cops shut the stupid city down in a standoff against this one guy who had no hostages. It took 11 hours for 100 cops to realize, “Hey, we outnumber this guy, we’ve got bullet-proof vests on, and he’s not a danger to anyone but himself…let’s rubber-bullet him in the leg.” 11 HOURS. And I was inconvenienced for about 12 minutes to find a different place to park. It didn’t even make this morning’s news. And where did this clown even get a gun?
  • The NHL made a very reasonable proposal to the NHLPA today. 50/50 split, 82-game season starting November 2nd. And all the millionaires on both sides still get to be millionaires. If the players don’t accept, I’ll be forced to reconsider everything I think about them and may have to hate them. And I will hate hating them. I mean, I’ll still always hate the obviosos no matter what – Chara, Avery, Ference, Marchand, Phaneuf, and everybody who’s not a Hab. You guys – we may have hockey in a couple of short weeks. I’m giddy!

That’s all of the topics I wrote down. I don’t know, this felt too organized. We may have more blogs soon depending on the return of hockey – also, more tweets! Sorry/not sorry.

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Post of the Month

If I don’t hurry up, a whole calendar month will have gone by with no post. And I read a blog post yesterday about having to keep up with your blog even if you have nothing to say or your readership will dwindle.

  • Hi, readers. This is for you. (Mom.)
  • It’s been the busiest time for me ever in recent memory with no time to focus on just one thing, so this is another one of those random posts. Anything. Nothing.
  • See what I did there.
  • 4th bullet. What to say.
  • I was catching up with my PVR tonight. We have the View. We have The Daily Show, and Colbert. May I just say: Romney has added a new adjective to my vernacular. I’m submitting it to Oxford: Dumbassier.
  • U.S. pals are usually bemused by why their politics entertain/interest us as much as they do. Hello, we get all the U.S. channels. Do you get CBC/CTV in the States? It’s a genuine question. My guess is no. I don’t know how much of those stations we even watch up here. (Strombo: I watch all your shows.) But for real, the U.S. presidency affects us all, particularly adjacent folks as we. I’m pretty sure this was grammatically correct as WordPress didn’t dot-dot-dot underline it for me. Anyway I hope Obama gets re-elected, mostly because I just like him. My mom thinks he won’t. Because he’s just too sensible. Face it, the jaded all talk about how politicians are all liars, right to centre to left, and say what they need to to get elected. But Obama has always talked about how tough the road ahead is. And he lays out all the stuff  that needs doing to get there. And explains the pros and cons. And it’s kind of boring. And it’s actually acutely similar to how I parent. I never make a promise to the kids that isn’t 100% guaranteed to occur. Not the most entertaining or exciting thing in the world, but deeply seeded in reality and hopefully will prepare folks for surprises/not to be surprised. All I can say is: Bush Jr. got re-elected (although there is legitimate debate about whether he was even elected fair and square in the first place). BUSH. Got RE-ELECTED. You give that guy 4 more years, you had better damned well give Obama another term.
  • Speaking of The View, that one guy from 2 1/2 Men is on right now. Or he was whatever day. I PVR the show. Anyway I don’t watch 2 1/2 Men and never have. And I hate that show because whenever I see this actor I no longer think of him as Duckie. Who I LOVED. Which I HATE. I mean, that’s just one reason. I think I’ve outgrown the 22-minute sitcom.
  • Except for Modern Family.
  • Speaking of TV, I don’t watch it much, except for what I record. So those shows are as mentioned above, as well as Jeopardy, SNL, and my kids’ favourite, The Middle. And hockey.
  • We’re not talking about hockey this time. There is much and nothing to talk about and for once I will say nothing.
  • I was driving to work today and stuck in the non-HOV lane which is pretty much a parking lot. I gazed out over the huge lineup of vehicles in front of me. WHERE ARE ALL THE RED CARS. I’m the only one. Everyone’s grey, grey, silver, dark grey, grey, light grey, black, black, white, and some blues. I’m the only red one. At least I can spot my damned car in the parking lot.
  • Oh yeah about U.S. politics again for a second, Clint Eastwood made me laugh/cringe/sad. Good lord, who did the RNC’s casting. And where the hell was that poor old man’s agent. Find him, and fire him.
  • The dog. As if you thought we’d get through a post without the dog. You know how you are usually dumbstruck by unexpected or hurtful or offensive comments from people and then come up with a really good rebuttal/comeback like a day later? No? Whatever.
  • Last night this one neighbour who’s sort of an eccentric but usually super nice to me and is always wandering around outside browsing on his iPad with his cat started kind of going off on me because I had the dog off the leash. He’s seen us out there 8 million times. I get home from work, and before I even change out of my office clothes, I grab the ball and let the dog out and we play fetch on the patch of grass right in front of our house for 30 minutes, until she starts lurching around like a drunk because she’s so exhausted (but would keep going until she passed out, if allowed) – at which point I cut her off, and go to the dumpster to throw away her business. Every day, Monday to Friday. The neighbours all know it, and see it. So this one guy last night out of nowhere made a big show on our walk to the dumpster about how she was off-leash. His crazy orange cat was outside lolling around, and my crazy puppy didn’t even give the damned cat a glance, because she was too busy trying to walk a straight line like she was at a checkpoint. He told me, “He (she’s a girl, goddammit) should be on a leash.” Me: “Okay, thanks!” (walking away) Him: “He should be on a leash at all times outside” Me “Thanks!” (walk walk walk….open door, get inside house). Five minutes later, he was ringing my damned doorbell. “Hi, so the dog should be on a leash at all times in the common area. It’s in the bylaws.” Me: “Thank you so much, and you’ve expressed yourself 3 times now, I have heard you, have a nice evening.” Whatever, confrontation is not one of my strengths. Still, by now, I’m starting to stew. And then I thought, Wait: Bylaws? Let’s have a look at the %$#@*& bylaws. Scan, scan, scan, HERE IT IS….PETS should be leashed at all times. PETS. Not dog-specific. That effing cat is always wandering around, and outdoor cats are always crapping wherever they feel like and their owners do NOT do a thing about it. Gaaaaah. If I’d ever bothered to read anything the Strata ever sent before now I would have had the perfect comeback for him.
  • You guys, do NOT tell my Strata I ignore everything they send. I am terrified of them.
  • So guess WHAT. I came home today, grabbed the puppy, put her on a leash and took her up the hill for a run. It takes about 40 minutes out of my already brief evening just to get her far away but I was not interested in raising this Dippy Neighbour’s ire again (it’s a different neighbour than Grumpy Bastard, previously mentioned in another post, btw). And once she got tired, I made my way back. And if I’d scripted it, it couldn’t have been better: Dippy Dipster was out wandering around in circles (this is not unusual, it’s what he does) and I didn’t see his cat. Then I saw him kind of panic and head down to the greenbelt. He was looking for the frigging cat, I was sure. I quietly followed him down there, with him completely unaware. I saw him go running behind a fenced area, then come running back out to go back to his house, and I just know he had lost the cat. When he came dashing back out he raised his head and said “Oh, hi, Veronica”. Me: “Oh hi! Just wanted you to know I so appreciated you calling my attention to the bylaws. And I did look at them. And they say PETS have to be on a leash at all times. PETS. Not just dogs. PETS.” Him: “Oh, really?” Me: “Yes, in fact. That means cats too. And wasn’t yours on another neighbour’s deck just the other day?” Him: “Oh, well, I’m not concerned about my cat. I’m concerned about your dog.” Me: “Yes, I’m sure you are. Thank you for your concern. The cat has to be on a leash. It’s in the bylaws. Have a nice evening!”
  • I felt triumphant at his blank look with no response as I turned and walked away, for about 3 seconds. And then I felt bad. But at least I got the chance to give him the perfect comeback (about 28 hours late) that I’d imagined – how often does that happen? To me, never. And at least he didn’t come ringing my doorbell later. How long do you figure until I can take the dog out with no leash again? Not one single other neighbour, including Grumpy Bastard, has ever registered a complaint about my dog.
  • Remember the pedometer challenge that my team and I were in? We won. And we didn’t win iPads. We got APPLE STORE GIFT CARDS. Mama’s getting an iPhone 5! I hate my 4S now. Stupid paperweight. So who wants to buy it?
  • Oh yes: I always want to say: All the guys at Fox News are always bragging about how they get the highest ratings. This has always seemed crazy to me. Of course they do. All the right wingers are watching them. All of them. Everybody else is spread out amongst the other 5 or so stations. It’s not rocket science. Am I the only one seeing this?
  • And why do we care so much about Kate Middleton’s boobs? I can’t believe the press they’re getting.
  • I have to renew my passport soon. The thing I hate about that the most is not being allowed to smile in the picture. It’s the worst. The camera’s right there, but you can’t even sort of raise your eyebrows let alone let your mouth turn up. When I see the picture it’s like it’s somebody else. Now I know why when I have my serious face on, people go, “What’s wrong?”
  • You know what’s hilariously funny? I mean, probably just to me. The ID I have to present to renew my passport is my proof of Canadian citizenship, which, since I wasn’t born in this country, is my Canadian citizenship card that was given to me when I was SEVEN. The photo of me was taken when I was SEVEN.
  • TWENTY ONE YEARS AGO.
  • Shut up.
  • It’s past midnight. This is very late for me on a weeknight so this is it until…October. Let’s be real.
  • By that time I may be emotionally ready to talk about (the lack of) hockey.
  • (I’m sorry for saying shut up.)

Bonne nuit!

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