Twinkies, Pants, Holidays, Flamingoes, and the End of the World.

We’re gonna have bullets and a hodge-podge this time. I’ll invent a title when I’m done.

  • A couple of weeks ago on a Saturday morning, I was distracted mucking around and gettin’ ‘er done, and my son came up to me holding a little leaflet. “Hey Mom, these people just came to the door. The wanted to like, give you a bible. I think they were … pilgrims? Anyway, here. Apparently, we’re all going to die very soon.” Hands me the leaflet and leaves the room, like nothing happened. My little atheist! The thing that bothered him the most about receiving the “the-end-is-nigh” message was having to put on pants to answer the door.
  • The period of mid-to-end-October through the end of the year is the time I wish I was a Jehovah’s Witness. We have October, so that’s Halloween. Halloween is a huge deal, of course, because of the kids I have. Costumes, candy…this year, I spent $50 damn dollars on candy. We easily had 100 kids or more. Turns out, kids come from all around just to trick-or-treat at our damned complex. And handing out the candy was crazy, the doorbell was going non-stop, and I had to control the puppy who was treating every ring like a brand-new occurrence, and an excuse to leap up and hug all the crazy princesses, zombies and ladybugs. And getting up and doing a flight of stairs to the front door with every ring on a gimpy knee was too much. I’m not hobbling and limping every Halloween, of course, it just gave me more to blog about this year. So there was Halloween.
  • Then, November. Both the kids have birthdays in November. BOTH. I spent my entire life enthusiastically avoiding Scorpios, then I got TWO of them. Love their guts, but birthdays are exhausting. Not like I’m the supermom who coordinates monkeys and clowns and caterers, but you know. If you know, you know.
  • And now we’ve got Christmas coming up. That’s right, I said the C word. So funny that I don’t observe the religulousness of it, but damned if I’m calling it The Holidays. What Holidays, exactly? I wish I was on a damned Holiday! It’s Christmas! Or Hanukkah! I’ll use either word where appropriate. But I never say “Happy Holidays!” Of course, it’s okay if you do.
  • So by December 31st, I’m pooped. And broke. And I envy all the people who get to spread their events out throughout the year, or the JWs who don’t have to bother with any of it.
  • OMG, I love Christmas. It will be fun.
  • A few weeks ago I was watching Modern Family. I’ve waited this long to tell you because whenever you start talking about it, people go, “LA LA LA LA!  Don’t tell me, I haven’t watched it yet!” Anyway, SPOILER ALERT: It was funny. And I texted my friend Lisa, who also happens to sit on the other side of my paper-thin wall at work. Lisa hears everything happening in my office. And I hers, except for that she’s maddeningly quiet. Anyway, when my mom and I call each other, it’s always for something important, and our first instincts are to get right to business, and always assume the worst. When we answer, it’s not, “Hello?” like normal people. Depending on the time of day, like if it’s daylight, it’s, “WHAT HAPPENED.” Or, if it’s say, past 9pm, it’s “WHO DIED.” Out with it, no time for formalities. And 90% of the time, it’s followed up with, “Oh, nothing, just wondering about picking up the kids,” blah blah blah and chatter. But SOMETIMES, it’s SOMETHING and we are conditioned to be prepared for that SOMETHING, THE WORST, FIRST. So anyway, when my mom calls at work, I’ll answer with a WHAT HAPPENED, sometimes followed by a dramatic inhale. And Lisa furiously messages me, What? What? And I’ll say, oh, we’re just co-ordinating if we’re having beef or chicken for dinner on the weekend. And Lisa once said, “We’re WASPs! We don’t like playing “Who Died”!” I panic her. You’d think after 7 years of sitting on opposite sides of the wall she’d be used to it by now. Anyway, Modern Family was on and I was like, SEE!!!! The phone rang in the middle of the night, and Gloria said WHO DIED! And Manny walked in, and said, “I heard the phone. WHO DIED.” Yesssss! I texted Lisa:

  • The bum leg is getting better. I’m going to physio, I get my leg rubbed where it hurts the most, and leave feeling pretty all right, like I might be normal again someday. I’m even doing most of my homework (icing, heating, and stretching), most of the time. I’ve been limping since the middle of October. The other day I got a message from a lady who temped at my office for a few weeks, and she started off with, “Hi, Limpy!” And it occurred to me: there are people who have only ever known me to have a limp. I’m aiming to be better by the end of the year. I hate this limp, and it gets in the way of me getting places at a thousand miles an hour, which is my preference. This whole thing is seriously a pain.
  • The very worst thing about the leg is getting dressed. Putting pants on. Putting boots on. You know how you can bend your knee right up next to your face when you’re getting stuff on? Well, I can’t on the one side. I told my bf that I wondered if I’d ever be able to The Flamingo again. It’s the only way I could describe what I’m not able to do right now, if I had a gun to my head. Bend my knee right up and balance on the other leg. He said, “The Flamingo? What is that? It sounds like a synchronized swimming move. Did you ever do that?” There will always be stuff to learn from each other, but having been a synchronized swimmer is probably something that would have come up by now.
  • We had a family dinner last weekend, this time for my son’s birthday. I had my music playing through my iTunes while I cooked, and when the album ran out, my daughter cued up the iTunes to play on shuffle. Every song that I have, that is. Which is in excess of 4,000. At first what I thought would be an awful idea, turned out to be awesome. We spent the rest of the night listening to Billy Joel, The Marriage of Figaro, No Doubt, Joni Mitchell, Justin Timberlake, Black Eyed Peas, Vampire Weekend, and Hootie and the Blowfish.
  • That’s right, Hootie. It was actually hilarious to see what would be up next, and the crazy mix worked.
  • I gather The Twinkie is endangered. I don’t know any of the story, except for little headlines and the tail end of stories on the news that I catch. Why is this such a big deal? Twinkies are super gross. This is probably a wonderful thing for humanity.

I have another topic which will definitely have to be a whole other post, and is a developing story. We’ll see if I can do that on the weekend. For now, it’s bedtime and that’s pretty much the update, except for that story of course. Which may get told unless it gets too long and I don’t even know how to tell it. That’s the problem with writing.

Bonne nuit!



  1. Hope your knee issue gets worked out soon! Are you seeing Dr. Johnny? Great post as always except you made me second guess my Christmas cards… I always use “Holidays” 😉


  2. Aww… my left leg is flaring up again at the knee. Looks like I’ll be limpy for another week or so, too!


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