Necessity is the Mother of Invention. (I want my Mommy)

I haven’t had a lot to tweet about lately (hello, NHL lockout) so maybe that’s why I have more to post about. That doesn’t make sense. Anyway this is my 3rd post in like 2 weeks. It’s drought then deluge! That’s a new saying. As of now. I just think that when I tweet stuff it’s out there and when I don’t, I guess I’ll get it out there, here.

It was just Halloween. I wasn’t the hugest fan of Halloween when I was a kid. My family didn’t really “get it” since there wasn’t Halloween where I’m from. I did enjoy the free candy aspect of it though, and also collecting pennies for my Unicef box. Where did Unicef boxes go? Am I dating myself? I wasn’t creative, and I just always wore what my mother bought me, and she never really put a lot of thought into it, either. Not to diss her. She was just from Chile, and had all these things thrown at her that she wasn’t used to, like Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and all these things we had to participate in now since we were new Canadians. And Thanksgiving itself was always about having hordes of family over, which we didn’t even have since everyone was in Chile, so she’d make a turkey, the the 2 adults and 3 tiny children would have their share, then we’d stare at this huge bird carcass, the leftovers of which we’d have to have for the next 2 weeks. I still don’t really do Thanksgiving.

So anyway it was Halloween and the kids knew what they would be and I knew I had to hand out candy, and that was it. Simple dimple. Then my boyfriend’s pals told me they were having a party, and I was like, “Yay!” and then they were all, “It’s a costume party,” and I was like, “Oh.” I can’t stand the pressure of costumes since I don’t have a single creative bone in my body. Seriously, like not even the little bone in my pinkie-toe. I have a hard time coming up with things for this blog, and this blog is about things that actually happen to me, I don’t even have to think of them. Things happen to me, like, every day even. And still it’s hard. For Halloween, if I could pull a Charlie Brown and cut holes in a sheet and go as a ghost, I would.  And that’s only because I got the idea from watching ‘It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown’.

I was first able to encapsulate my condition when I was about 7. I was lazily scribbling across a piece of paper, and my mom asked what I was doing. I must have told her I was pretending to draw but since I couldn’t think of anything I was haphazardly scrawling without meaning. She grabbed a pencil and started to draw. It was a house, a log cabin, actually, with a chimney with smoke coming out of it, a mountain behind it, and a pine tree next to it. It was beautiful. I told her, “That’s beautiful!” and she said, “Thanks, it’s the only thing I draw. I can’t think of anything else.” And I proceeded to imitate her drawing. And to date, it’s the only thing I ever draw, because how do you think of something else? I’ve even drawn it for my kids. Thank god they are each creative, I’m always amazed by the things they come up with from nothing, and they probably take pity on me. They probably think they’re adopted, except they know they’re not because they look exactly like me, but they still love me, thank god again. If you’re a psychologist, I don’t care to hear from you. I gave up on myself a long time ago. My mom told me she was uncreative, I realized I inherited it, and embraced it. And I happened to make creative people, so I’m cancelled out. End of!

So anyway I was explaining this to these guys, that the pressure of costume parties was such that I’d almost rather not go. I can never think of anything to be. Then one of them said, “What are you talking about. Look at you. Pocahontas.” Thank you!!!

So because I wasn’t about to go about figuring out how to make that costume, I talked to my sister-in-law, who works at a COSTUME STORE. And they had a Pocahontas costume! Winning! I went in and looked around and started shaking my head. 98% of the costumes for women were “sexy” something. Sexy nurse and French maid are typical, I guess, but sexy ladybug, and sexy referee? SEXY REFEREE? A referee uniform cut to the navel and a skirt that barely covers your butt. Whoever thought of THAT was creative. Jesus H. What is wrong with people? Who could possibly be comfortable in a skirt that you can’t sit down in, and walking around at a party showing everything anyway? I have serious concerns for this society, and for my daughter. I constantly use every circumstance possible to tell her about not needing to get the wrong kind of attention, then you walk into a store like that that isn’t even a porn store, and the only options for women are sexy devil, sexy angel, sexy pirate, etc. The only unsexy costumes were the Nun. And Pocahontas. Thank god. The Pocahontas costume was basically a burlap sack cut below the knee, and a wig, which I obviously didn’t need. Sold. But then I took the costume out, because it said “Standard Size” so I wanted to see if it would actually be too big or too small. And I couldn’t even touch it, because it was made out of this felt material. I can’t touch felt. It’s like I can’t stand touching cotton balls with my bare hands. I can’t describe it, but it just absolutely creeps me out. There was no way I could wear this costume. Dammit!!!!! I wasn’t going to go as a nun, because, obviously. Lightning. I finally found a “Greek Goddess” costume that was basically just a white dress that went all the way to the ground.

And then the night of the costume party I forgot my costume and we only went for one drink and left when the rest of the guests started arriving anyway. Who needs a Greek Goddess costume, unused?

I couldn’t go trick or treating with my kids because (a) they’re too old to need an escort anyway and (b) getting around was still really laborious on account of my gimpy leg. I’d been to the doctor and everything but hadn’t scheduled a physio appointment yet. I finally went this week. It was the day after Obama was re-elected. I got to the clinic and changed into a pair of shorts and was sitting there waiting for the therapist, reading Huffpost on my iPhone, giggling to myself over all the exploding Republican heads, like O’Reilly, Limbaugh and Trump. If repugnancy were a power source, these 3 could light up Las Vegas for the next 100 years. So anyway my therapist came in, and I described the accident to her, and she examined me and said I had a bad MCL sprain. MCL is Medial Collateral Ligament. And it hurts like a sumbitch. So she started working on my leg, and we started talking about the election, and what we were doing as it unfolded, we each were on Twitter, and in between my yelps of pain we were laughing and talking about the speeches, Fox news and how things have kind of switched gears now, the U.S. just re-elected a super-smart guy who is cool and charismatic to boot, and how we’ve got such a stiff in the Prime Minister’s office. When it came time to do the laser treatment on my leg we had 12 minutes to spare, and she said, “Do you want to re-watch Obama’s speech? I’ll get my phone!” It was an awesome appointment, and when I left I was actually able to almost straighten my bad leg all the way, which I haven’t been able to do for nearly 3 weeks. She was great, and totally nice except for when she gave me my homework, stretches. She literally said, “Do it slowly until it hurts, then stretch it a little bit more.” What a sadistic profession.

I don’t know where else this is going, so I’ll stop now. Maybe next time I write, we’ll have a hockey season?? Or maybe I’ll be screaming about how I’ll never watch hockey again! (That’ll never happen.) Or maybe I’ll be talking about how the leg is all better, and people at the office will no longer be calling me “Hopalong”. Bon weekend, you guys!



  1. I don’t care whut u blog about, as long as it continues to be Anything or Nothing!
    You didn’t mention you get getting lasers on your leg? How cool is that??? Is your leg bionic now? Can you run really fast and leap over fences and have super spy adventures battling fembots?


  2. Why do Canadians care so much about American politics? I’m American and I don’t care about it cause as long as the government is split nothing will ever get done.


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