Glasses, Braces, Dirty Laundry and Poop

I need new glasses. I’m painfully far-sighted, and can absolutely not focus on anything closer than 2 feet away from my face. By contrast however, I have superhero powers when it comes to faraway things. My mom always screams when I can read a street sign 3 blocks away. Like it’s a trick. And I’m not joking, she screams, it really alarms her, like I’m abnormal or something. This phenomenon is probably best dissected in a whole separate post.

I was always proud of my 20/20 vision like it was some sort of personal accomplishment. Every trip to the eye doctor, I’d hear, “Nope, perfect.” It was kind of disappointing actually, because as a kid I always really wanted glasses. I also really wanted braces, which I did get. And not just braces, but also a headgear. My best friend in grade 5 and I were thusly doubly-blessed at the same time, kind of like braces/headgear twins, and it was awesome. One time I slept over at her place and she cut my headgear off in her sleep. She’d also go downstairs and have whole conversations with her grandfather while sleepwalking that she wouldn’t remember the next day. Not her dead grandfather ghost or anything, her real-live grandfather. Still, sleeping over at her house always ensured there would be some crazy-ass story to tell the next day.

A few years ago I started having a hard time at my computer or reading a book, and the doc finally said it was time – I needed glasses. He actually said my vision was suffering from years of staring at a computer 8 hours a day at the office. And that it would correct itself if I say, moved to Hawaii for a year and didn’t look at a computer. I tried for an extended medical leave with my boss, which did not fly.

Anyway,when Lucky (our dog) was really new we had to watch her like hawks, because if we took our eyes off her for even a second, she’d seize the opportunity to get into the most trouble she possibly could in the briefest time possible. Once, I was distracted in the kitchen for about 4 minutes, and realized she wasn’t following me around. I found her wagging her tail at me so hard her whole bum was wagging, sitting on the landing. Not even the good sense to remember what she’d just done and the heck she was about to get. I went up to my room, and found my beautiful $600 prescription specs lying on the floor, splayed like there should be a chalk-drawing around them. I started whispering to myself, “They’re all right, they’re all right, they’re all right,” like a crazy person in a crazy person movie. I lifted them to my face and they sat on my nose at a 45 degree angle and so I tried to twist them back into shape, all the while sing-song whispering, “They’ll be all right, they’ll be all right,” then I noticed that one of the lenses had a puncture in them, like one of my son’s miniature soldiers had fired a miniature-soldier-like bullet through it. So fine, I was snapped out of denial and rendered them un-useable. And the dog still was butt-wagging at me, saying “Yeah! Check those out! They’re super fun.”

I don’t get what winds dogs’ clocks, as it were. She can’t get enough of dirty underwear, dirty socks, used hairbands, eyeglasses…you know, anything that smells like…body. You’ll never be able to interest her in freshly laundered stuff or brand new hair accessories. And you know what else? She’s grown out of this, but she also used to eat her poop. I know. She’d poop, then she couldn’t turn around fast enough to eat it up. I told Lisa this once, and she said, “Oh thank god! My dog’s not the only one!” Whyyyyyy are dogs so gross.

Anyway I never got new glasses right away because the 2-year period that my health plan covers eyewear for wasn’t up, so I just managed, until I found reading glasses at Costco at $17 for 3 pairs. They’re not super-duper and anti-glare and all that stuff like my old glasses, but come on. At that price, I encourage the dog to get them.

So now the 2-year period is up and I can go get a new prescription again. Have you noticed the latest trend in eyeglasses? Everyone’s walking around with those really thick black frames. I almost laughed the first time I saw someone wearing them, because they looked just like my kids, when they take the 3D glasses after going to the movies and pop the lenses out and wear the glasses TO BE FUNNY. But these people are actually serious. And EVERYBODY’s wearing them. I won’t. And mostly because with my prominent brows, my face would be just too much to look at if I wore them.

Sweet. I can now cross off “Discuss poop in a blog post” from my bucket list.



  1. The fur love of my life, the “infamous” Elwood, coolest dog ever (sorry Lucky) also had a fixation for his business which evolved into a taste for only: expensive flip flops (no dollar store ones for him), make up, sweatshirts (preferably costly Burton or West Beach), door jams, anyting potted and looking wonderfully cared for in the garden and car upholstery!

    Still loved as the bestest puppy that ever was. RIP Elwood.


  2. You had me at poop!
    Oh, sounds like puppy has too much energy and not enough physical stimulation. more outdoorsy time. also, see
    Our family once had a dog that ate poop, but only when he was having digestive issues, so we changed his diet, and the issue (and poop eating) stopped.


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