The Summer Olympics

I have today off work to make a 4-day long weekend with B.C. Day on Monday. The weather is spectacular and I offered to take the kids to the beach today, but they opted to stick around here and play with their neighbourhood friends, that’s cool, I still have some painting and various DIY projects to do. I’m halfway through MAKING a screen for our kitchen window. It’s stupid hard.

So of course, I’m sitting and having a Strongbow and watching some of the summer Olympics.

The summer Olympics are not my thing, okay. I’m Canadian, well, I’m Chilean, but I’ve also been Canadian for a very long time and watching sports on grass or unfrozen water has never turned my crank. But Canada is there, and it’s the Olympics, for god’s sake, so it will be on all the time until it’s over.

Right now it’s track and field, or Athletics as it’s now called for whatever reason. They’re doing high jump. I could never do that, I was good at shot-put and also the long jump, but the high jump is something I could never come close to figuring out how to clear that bar.

In fact, I was once in a private school when my family lived in Ecuador for a year when my dad was on an assignment for SNC. I think I was in grade 4. I hated that school. We all knew Spanish but the parents decided to put us in an English speaking school. It was actually a U.S. Missionary school. Jesus Christ. They were horrible, horrible people. My teacher had these enormous front teeth with a huge gap in between that transfixed me. I can’t remember learning anything that year because all I could do was stare at her and wonder how she managed with that huge gap in her teeth. I wore a retainer at the time, and they would give me this wax to put on the retainer so it wouldn’t scrape the inside of my mouth. I always thought she should use some to fill that GAP IN. I did learn one thing from her that I never forgot: she was from Missouri, and you guys, it’s actually not pronounced Mizzurry. It’s pronounced Mizzurrah. Which is ridiculous.

Anyhow that horrible woman once caught me calling another girl “spider face”. I don’t know what it means, but obviously I was a wildly creative child. I don’t remember what the other kid did to piss me off, but it seemed an appropriate name to call her. Anyhow, Mrs. Aker (from Mizzurrah) decided that merited a paddling. A PADDLING. On my BUTT. Jesus Christ. I never told my parents she did that, but I talked about it later with my older brother and it turned out he got that treatment once too. They must have really hated these heathen, Canadian-Chileans.

So it was sports day and it was time to do the goddamned high jump. Hate. Mrs. Aker was standing by one of the posts, encouraging all the kids on and pretending she was some kind of nice lady. It got to be my turn, of course I didn’t clear the bar, I knocked it clear off the posts. So as I was scowling and walking away, everyone started freaking out and I turned around.

You guys, I had knocked the bar so hard, it actually toppled one of the posts and guess what: it FELL ON MRS. AKER’S HEAD AND KNOCKED HER OUT COLD. Of course I was horrified, but mostly because all these nice Christian kids and all the holy Jesus teachers that came running to help accused me of doing it on purpose. I was creative, but not that creative. For the rest of the year, I was that horrible godless child who knocked out the paddle deliverer. No matter how much I denied it or explained that it was just an extremely fortunate coincidence. I carry the stupid guilt of knocking that woman out to this day, even though I didn’t actually intend to. I think that’s when I decided for real that the whole religion and god thing was definitely not for me, although I’m sure I hadn’t really contemplated it before that event, either.

And that’s all I have to say about the Olympics.

P.S. Mrs. Aker was totally fine. She came to quickly, no permanent damage. Although if I’d knocked her front teeth out and she got cosmetic surgery and filled that gap, she’d probably be thanking me.



  1. Ohmygawd you crack me up!!! Good reading by the pool…. 🙂


  2. Haha! I thought you were going to say you got paddled again for missing the high jump. You got even with MS. PADDLEBUTT and escaped religion, all without being a mean person. If only I had such terrific adventures! Love it!


  3. I’m from Missouri (ee, not uh) only the folks from the rural part of the state or politicians trying to curry favor with them pronounce it that way. Just saying.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: