You Can’t Make This Up

My kids are two very funny people. This is a quality not unique to my own kids, of course, as I think most people who say exactly what’s on their minds out loud are funny, because they’re spontaneous and genuine. Especially kids.

For a time, when I was an avid Facebook user, I would madly update all my ‘favourite quotes’ section not with Ghandi’s wisdom or inspirational passages or one liners from the funny English guy from the 1800s whose name now totally escapes me. Remember, the one with the funny observations? Gaaaa. What’s his name! Oscar Wilde! No. All my favourite quotes were the funny things my kids say. I don’t use Facebook anymore, I mean, rarely, compared to how much I used to. And the only real reason I keep it is because it’s pretty much the only way to be in touch with all my friends and family back in Chile.

Off topic! The point is, I’ve been writing down the things I consider funny that they say, pretty much since they could talk. And am I ever glad! When I was frantically trying to come up with something, anything, to blog about since the 10-day lapse between posts, I thought, maybe I could make a post out of what they say. Because people (okay, all people who know them and already love them and are totally biased) have told me and told me to write about it some day.

And while I thought, perfect! I already have a ready-made list of funny stuff on the Facebook! – I remembered a couple of good ones I never included, mostly because they were too wordy. Enter the happy coincidence of now having a blog.

All this build up, eh. I hope you find it as funny as I do. Part of it is being there. It’s all in the delivery.

***

OK, so my boy was probably about 2, perhaps younger, when he came up with these. He was a very verbal kid, speaking at an early age and very intelligibly. His father and I were still together at the time, and we were all at home one day together. My boy was having a conversation with me while I was bustling around in the kitchen, probably trying to wade through the toys on the floor. His father walked in, and started talking to me, right over my boy.

Son: Dad! I am talking to her, you are interrupting!

Dad: Oh, errrr sorry.

Son: (to me) He’s so bastard, isn’t he?

Dad: …..Nice. Where did he learn that?

Me: (Inside voice: oh hahaha, I have no idea, he certainly never heard me say that on the phone with one of my friends or anything, I mean, I really hope, um.) Out loud: I have no idea! Ummmm, buddy, you can’t use that word.

***

Another time, he was probably about the same age, and he was with me while I was lined up at the auto insurance place. What a boring place for a restless 2 year old to hang out, I know. So, he was passing the time playing with one of his little toys, and when he tired of that, he started looking around at other people.

In walked an older guy who was probably 10 years younger than he looked. He had definitely seen better days. He was pretty disheveled, lots of long, stringy grey hair, missing teeth, an earring, and he was wearing a do-rag on his head.

Son, with a fascinated look on his face, said: “MOMMY! Look!! A pirate!”

Oh, yes, he did. The best part was the guy guffawed right out loud, and said, “well, I’ve been called many things!” I quietly spent the rest of our time in the lineup explaining to my boy that the gentleman was not, in fact, a pirate, but the kid’s eyes stayed glued to him til we left.

***

It must be noted that the people who laugh the loudest at these stories are the little people who created them.

OK, and below is the list from Facebook. They are briefer.

Daughter: I will be right back after these messages.

Daughter: Mom, when we go to Elizabeth’s house, remember, when the flag is down, she’s not home.
Me: Elizabeth who?
Daughter: You know, Elizabeth. What’s her last name again?
Son: You mean Queen Elizabeth.
Daughter: Oh yeah, Queen Elizabeth.

Me: (pointing out the polygamist’s wives in People magazine) See those ladies? They’re a little cuckoo!
Son: Mom, come on. Those are guys.

Son: Mommy, is that a church?
Me: Yes.
Son: What IS a church?
Me: It’s where you go to learn about your religion.
Daughter: I wish I went to church.
Me: But we don’t have a religion.
Daughter: I do! I believe in mermaids.

Mom, if we didn’t have you, our food would be nasty.
– Son’s version of ‘my compliments to the chef’

Son: What time is it?
Daughter: (looking at the time on my cell phone) It’s nine, dot dot up and down, thirty nine a.m.

I don’t believe in God. No one’s ever even SEEN him. I just believe in the Prime Minister. Because HE’S the boss of CANADA. – Son

I’m going to have long hair, and my own baby. – Daughter, when I asked her what she’s going to be when she grows up.

Son: So Mom, you’re (insert age here)?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you’re still a teenager, aren’t you?
Me: No, I’m a grownup.
Son: (snorts) Yeah right.

Me: No jumping on Mommy’s bed!
Daughter: Mo-om. Why don’t you just try it?

Me: My son said he saw the Tooth Fairy last night, and that she had a ponytail, a magic wand and a sparkly cell phone.
Friend: Maybe he saw Paris Hilton.

Son: Mom, is it hard to have 2 jobs, to work for your boss and to be our Mommy?
Me: Sometimes it’s pretty hard.
Son: Yeah. I know just how you feel.

I have some tattle-taling. Do you want it before or after dinner? – Daughter

Son: (to my pregnant friend) I sure hope it doesn’t hurt when that baby comes out of your vagina!
Friend: Me too!

Son: Mom, can you please give me one of your spicy mints? I’d like some fresh breath.
Me: Sure, are you going to be kissing someone later?
Son: No. Not unless I get married. Or become President.

I’m sure it was very comfortable in your tummy, but I’m also pretty sure I wanted to escape.
– Daughter

Me: Hey buddy, don’t forget that I made you, and without me you wouldn’t be here.
Son: Does that mean that when you die I go to another vortex? That would suck.

***

Going to another vortex? That’s the part that would suck? Nice.

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Comments

  1. Me: No jumping on Mommy’s bed!
    Daughter: Mo-om. Why don’t you just try it?
    So, did you? Funny stuff!

  2. Out of the mouths of babes…

    PS, isn’t jumping on beds reserved for other stuff? :-O

  3. I’m was going to join your son’s religion with the mermaid worship – they’re pretty cool and I always wanted to be one when I was little – but I see he worships the Prime Minister too and I’m an agnostic when it comes to politics. Pity tho. LMAO at the baby/vagina thingy. Your kids are hilarious.

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by All Habs (Canadiens), Veronica and Geoff Crawley, Will M. Will M said: RT @chile_pepper: New Blog Post: You Can't Make This Up: http://t.co/4toaEsE […]

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