HOW are you still single?!

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this in the nearly 4 years since splitting with my husband, I’d easily have about $10.00.

Never sure how to take that question. The obvious answer is as a compliment, but I typically take it as a slight.

Think about it, is having a partner validation of some kind? If I believed that, I’d still be married. As a matter of fact, I got tons of support in my decision to end my marriage. My mom actually said, “well, you gave it a really good shot.” One of my dearest friends said, “I’m proud of you. It’s so much easier to stay and be unhappy.” Silly as that sounds, it’s true. A couple of my friends expressed envy. Incidentally they eventually made the same decision for themselves. Anyway, I digress.

Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Why aren’t I remarried? What can I possibly be thinking?

A few months ago I had a rare weekend evening to myself, kids spending Sunday night over at their father’s house. I was hungry, and although I usually like to do the least amount of work possible when making my own dinner, I decided to cook up something fancy-schmancy. Some surf ‘n’ turf. I went to the butcher to get myself a really expensive steak. When I asked for the tenderloin, the butcher asked, “how many?” I said, “just one!” And he paused ever so slightly and then made an ‘awwww’ face. Steak for one? What’s wrong with that?

I have had a couple of boyfriends since being married, a couple of them serious, and also a few guys I dated now and then. It’s not that I’m undateable. I’m just not looking. I’m genuinely delighted to be single, having virtually never been single since I was 17.

I’m not technically ‘single’, of course. I’ve got my 2 kids, we’re a package deal. My son is ridiculously jealous, too. A long ago platonic male friend of mine from high school was visiting Vancouver last winter, and I invited him over for coffee to catch up. The kids were home. Having a man over threw the dynamic a bit out of whack for the kids since I’d only ever once introduced them to someone I was dating (because I thought it was going somewhere…it didn’t, and I never did it again). My boy sat firmly between us on the couch and the poor guy got the evil eye for his whole visit. When it was time for him to leave, my son escorted him to the door with me, and warned him not to kiss me. Poor guy! It’s a good thing he’s so awesome. My friend, I mean. Obviously, my son is awesome.

I digress again…you’re patient. The thing is, I have a full time job, and with that, commuting to and from, running the kids around, and running a household, spare time is special. It would have to take someone really special to want to share any extra time with. If I’m being honest, every once in a while I would like to get dressed up and taken out, treated like a lady, the works. But the thought of a full-time boyfriend or another husband…I’m not there.

The girls don’t get it. I think if I didn’t have the kids I might worry about being alone forever, but I do, so I don’t. I’m not recruiting a husband, like so many women do, because a) I already did that. And my biological clock isn’t ticking, because b) I am already blessed with 2 healthy kids. Some of my friends want me to online date. It’s okay for some people, but those scenarios are designed for people whose goal is being in a committed relationship. See a).

That said, someday I might meet someone who knocks my socks off and throws my desire to stay single out the window. I’m not against the idea, I just don’t think of it. I’ve got so much fulfillment already, fortunately.

P.S. I’m going to start charging a nickel to be asked that question. A single mama’s gotta eat.

P.P.S. This blog is a starting to read like a diary. I think that’s against the rules, sorry.

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Comments

  1. Well written… I can relate a bit.

    I’ve been single for a year. And while I’m single…. I almost don’t really feel as though I am. I find I’m quite busy being a dad to my lovely daughter.

    In my spare time I’ve devoted myself to rediscovering my “first love” (you could say)…. DRUMS! Playing music again has been totally rewarding for me… doing something I truly love.

    I had a little interest in someone… didn’t work out. And for months, I’m really just fine being single.

    Not looking.

    I’ve had a couple of people want to set me up… I don’t know.

    Anyways…. thanks for sharing. I’m getting caught up on my “blog reading”….
    πŸ˜‰

  2. Domlogs says:

    Very nice text, since being single for about 5-7 years (I don’t even recall the date anymore…), I totally understand your point of view about single nice-sides, while not being rushed into looking for something special, that will come anyways by itself sometime somehow… πŸ˜‰ luv Dom

  3. At least you’re not railing on online dating like a lot of people I know, who seem to think that it’s a last resort for people who can’t get dates.

    And so what if it is? Besides myself, I know other people who have gotten married from meeting spouses via online dating.

    You’re a good mom and you’re enjoying your life right now. As long as you keep doing that, it is what it is…

    • Thanks Spencer. I think however you meet someone is AOK – and don’t think the online dating websites are a last resort. In these times of the intrawebs I think it’s natural. I’ve met some of the nicest people this way!

  4. Maybe eventually someone amazing will sweep ya off your feet, but to think about it, you already have the best two things that a relationship can provide – wonderful children.

    Sounds to me like you’re in a great place to be able to control what you allow in your life, since nothing at all is missing (kids cuddle just as well as men, and they don’t want anything more than just the cuddles, which is awesome – adult cuddle partners often feel obliged to do more, whether they want to or not, and it just kinda taints the awesomeness of the experience)

    congrats on a positive outlook – personally, I’ve been single for 5 years, dated on occasion, but mostly, if someone is going to be a huge part of my life, they have to fit into my life, which isn’t an easy thing to do… being happy where you are is 99% of the goal, so when you’re happy, better to keep it that way πŸ˜€

  5. Albert Banerjee says:

    Thoughtful and interesting post.

    I have also found myself taking the single path. It started with what I thought would be a brief commitment not to date, and has evolved into a whole questioning of why get into a committed relationship at all. Like you I’ve done the relationship thing for most of my adult life, except for the past four years. With being β€œsingle and not looking,” I feel like I’ve discovered a land that most people are afraid to tread, as if it is some dark, ominous, and stormy shore. But it actually turns out to be a sunny beach. I’ve been strolling on it for the past while now, enjoying the breeze and the freedom and my own company. You are, of course, blessed with two gorgeous children to accompany you, which I suspect makes it an even more wondrous adventure. On occasion I have wished I could hold someone’s hand, at least briefly, but for the most part my hands are busy skipping stones in sea.

    Happy wandering Veronica
    -Al
    PS. Still, if I recall correctly, I might owe you a nickel πŸ˜‰

  6. mandyp88 says:

    Fascinating post. It took me a long time and some hardship to realize I needed to do what I WANTED and not what other people thought I SHOULD do.

    The important thing is to be happy where you are in your life. And you certainly sound like you are! πŸ™‚

    And by all means treat it as a diary. πŸ™‚

    All the best,
    Mandy

    • Thanks for another thoughtful reply, Mandy. I’m a rule follower by nature too, so the liberating feeling of doing what’s best instead of going with the norm is kinda awesome!

      If I make personal posts I’ll try to make them relatable. Great feedback – thanks!

  7. I don’t know whoever it was that said you have to be in a relationship to be happy. I think your main focus right now should be your two babies. Honestly, when it happens it will happen – you don’t have to go looking for it. Some women can’t survive without having a man in their life. I think my mum was one of those .. bless her. I came from a broken home and even though I love my dad and my mum (bless her soul), I was happier when they weren’t together.

    • Hola Bonita πŸ™‚ I agree with you, looking for it is not the way to go. And I know for certain that my kids are (and I) are happier now that their dad and I aren’t together.

  8. I was exactly like your son when I was his age. I think I gave any guy who visited my mother the “once over”, deciding if he was worth it. So, of course, when she did remarried, in my mind she married “well”.

    But I see too much pressure on friends I have to get married. Everyone should go down the path they’re comfortable with, and if that doesn’t involve marriage, or dating, it’s perfectly OK. I wish that would go over better with some people.

    Besides, you’ve got two great kids…you’ve already got it made!

  9. You wont get any dissent from me on this! I for one am also single and I also believe there’s nothing “wrong” with it. It takes guts to stand up to all of the friends & even family who think they know better what is right for you, to let them judge you. A lot of people marry or get into relationships for reasons that aren’t always right. Simply doing it to conform to society’s ideals isn’t a good reason. Nor is doing it because you “need” someone to be “whole”…that’s just codependency. I believe the best relationships are between two emotionally stable and individually “whole” partners. You’re already one! πŸ™‚

    • You are right. Can’t rely on someone else for happiness. I think you can’t have a successful partnership if you’re not already complete! So important.

  10. Whomever finally trips your trigger AND wins your son’s approval is going to be one lucky S.O.B.!

  11. I also get this all the time. HOW? Because I choose it to be this way. I’m happier as a single gal than I ever was in a relationship. Just because my friends are married does not make them happier or more content with their lives than I. In fact, I’ve found the opposite to be true. Like you, I would also like to be shown a fancy time out on the town now and again, but I’m not looking for any kind of commitment.

    It’s nice to see that there are other strong, successful, attractive, and HAPPILY single women out there. Thanks for this entry πŸ™‚

    • Thanks, Nicole! Reminds me of that scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary, where she explains that she’s still single because underneath her clothes she’s covered in scales πŸ˜‰

  12. Here is a nickel πŸ™‚

  13. Being a guy I can’t ever pretend to be able to make a relevant or worthy comment. May be a guy saying something on this topic should be against the rules hehe. All I can say is be yourself and do what you feel and what feels right to you. (Diary is not against the rules, blog derives from ‘log’ doesn’t it?)

    • Ooooh, careful. If this is allowed to be a diary, look out!!

      Thanks for the comment. I’ve finally learned to do what feels right for me! πŸ™‚

  14. habbyween says:

    Very well written. You stay strong and worry about your kids. You’re doing right by not listening to the comments from friends and such. Leave it alone and concentrate on your children’s lives.

    Yours,
    Joe

    • Thanks Joe. I’m not fussed one way or the other about what people say about my not being attached…which is strangely confusing to them!

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